Throughout our life we will make decisions in the moment that we feel serve us, without knowing how it could affect us emotionally in the future.
If you had asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I was older, my answer would have been to be a mum.
I always imagined at least 2 children running around the house, creating havoc and binging me joy.
When I fell ill in 2007,leaving me registered blind and paralysed, I was not at a point in my life where I was thinking about starting a family and neither were my friends. Therefore when the other half and I made the decision not to have children, for me not to carry a child, due to my health, it felt the right decision to make. It was an easy decision, almost flippant.
We did look at alternatives such as surrogacy etc, but due to the complications that could have occurred from the injections to obtain my eggs, we felt it was too risky and really if we were to go this route we wanted the child to be 100% ours. We went for a surrogacy open day, sorry to say it felt like a cult. And if that’s the path we had of chosen we wanted to be comfortable.
Moving on 10 years and the sensible, but flippant decision felt like it came back to haunt me. Although I knew it was the right decision to make not to follow my dream of motherhood, I couldn’t help but feel something was missing, I was stuck and not moving forward to the next chapter. My friends around me were being blessed with beautiful babies and becoming mummy and I, well I was still me, not a parent, not mummy.
The sadness would hit me at any time, unannounced like a punch in the gut. I would fill with an aching, a sadness, a sense of loss for something I never had. It would come like a silent ninja anytime of the day or night, but especially when I would see my husband playing with the beautiful nieces, nephews, godchildren we have been blessed with. He would never be daddy and I felt like I had deprived him of that.
I had got myself into a muddle, a dark space, over something that I knew was the correct but hard decision. I realised it was something I had to deal with and move on from, otherwise it was going to eat me up.
I meditated, i journaled, I talked through it with my husband (we’ll eventually anyway) and through this process realised that I needed to stop being so hard on myself and that it’s ok not to be ok with decisions made in our lives, even though they are the right decision.
I then fell upon something called Quantum Healing Hypnotherapy. When finding out about it, it resonated with me. I booked the 4hr long session, but prior I was asked to write down 15 questions that were going to be asked by the hypnotherapist to me while I was under.
Obviously one of my questions was ‘have I made the right decision not to be a mother and have children’.
The answer to this question was ‘I was never going to have children, I was never supposed to be a mother, it was not my path.’
Ever since hearing this I have felt such peace, such clarity and gratitude, gratitude that we, my husband and I were able to make the decision not to have children together, we made that decision and were not stripped of it, which I feel we would have been if we did plan to have a family, as clearly it was never supposed to be and the universe had other plans.
I think of the months or years we would have spent trying to conceive and the heartache it would have brought, as well as the fact we may have gone through IVF and the ups, downs and roller coaster of emotions that it brings with it.
We were given the decision, it was ours to make and nobody else’s.
I am now happy and content with the decision we made, I am grateful for all the beautiful children I do have in my life, that I can love, cherish and hand back when they start to melt down!!
I know that it’s ok to get sad, have a moment and that it’s ok not to be ok.
I also know I have a path and that each and everyone of us has a different one to take, don’t make comparisons, just cherish what you have been blessed with. Every cloud has a silver lining we just have to find it.
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